How To Stop Playing The Weighting Game
Chapter 7: THE CURSE OR THE BLESSING?
She sat in class, a look of sadness and bewilderment on her face. Others around her were sharing their success in losing weight and keeping it off. When it came her turn she said, "I don't know what's wrong with me. I just can't get 'with it.' What scares me most is that I am a diabetic and my life is at stake! Do I want to die?"
Overeating is surely self-destructive behavior, but is it a death wish? What is it that keeps some people from succeeding? On the surface they appear to be trying with all their might. They read books, take classes, and follow the latest fads, but the weight keeps coming back. I have also met a great many people who lose only part of the weight necessary for health and well being. They get to a point beyond which they either stop losing or begin to regain what they have released. None of this happens on a conscious level. I do not believe that it is a death wish. Rather, these unhappy souls seem to be living out a curse.
What do I mean by a curse? As a child you were small and helpless, unable to take care of yourself. The people most important to you were your parents or the adults who raised you. It was vital to receive their approval and protection. In other words, it was necessary to do what they wanted, no matter what, as long as they would love you. Most parents do the very best they can, but many unwittingly demand that their children behave in certain ways that eventually turn out to be harmful. The curse is not spoken aloud, but the child gets the message anyway.
Take the case of Jessica. She was adopted, but her mother didn't want her to find out. Therefore, she was hesitant to communicate with the child. Whenever the little girl asked questions, as little children usually do when they are toddlers, instead of answering, her mother would say, "Have a cookie" or "How about a glass of milk." Although it was not verbalized, the message was clearly, Don't think, EAT. To this day, Jessica faithfully follows her mother's orders. Whenever something important comes up, instead of finding out what to do about it, she conveniently forgets and instead overeats.
Some of us had overindulgent parents; others were under the rule of dictators. We all received many messages. Some people reacted as rebels and defied the messages. However, the "good boys and girls" who decided to accept the trade-off of obedience in return for love may still suffer from those early commands. You may still be acting out the expectations of your parents and consciously you don't even know it. Long ago you made a choice in order to get their guardianship, or so you thought. Are you still searching for their love and acceptance even though you are grown up? Do you still hear your mother or father's voice in your head? What are they telling you? If you do what they say, will it hurt you or help you?
These curses still haunt many of the people who cannot or will not help themselves to lose weight or keep it off. Those who were admonished, “Don't be so smart!” may find shelter by spending most of their time acting like a "Dummy." The "Dummy" is the one who says, I didn't know what I was doing or who, me? It is this person who forgets accidentally on purpose.
The parent who urged, “Don't be so independent!” fostered a child who might grow up to continue to act dependent through ill health, lack of success, or non-assertiveness. You see, the message really was, “Don't be independent or I won't love you.” Sometimes these people are the ones who only reach a partial weight loss and are afraid of being too successful.
One of my students discovered that one of the messages she received was, “Don't be better than me!” Every time she got close to being successful, she felt scared. Whenever this woman had a big decision to make, she felt compelled to finalize it while eating something highly caloric like an ice cream sundae. After a while she realized that her mother was an indecisive person and needed her daughter to be the same way. Similarly, “Don't be who you want to be. Be who I tell you to be!” can have the same result.
When you sabotage yourself, you are proving that there is a curse at work. Take a second look at how powerful you allow the Critic saboteur to be. A common reaction to successful completion of a goal is what I call Instant Sabotage. Instant Sabotage means that you run to the nearest food within minutes of receiving a compliment or reward for your success. Sandy remembered that the night she received her pin from Weight Watchers, commemorating a significant weight loss, she went home and immediately started to eat back 20 pounds.
You can make a start by undoing your own private curse today. Only then will you be free to be yourself. No longer will the invisible strings of the past pull you around like a puppet. You do not have to sabotage all the success you have achieved. You can end the Yo-Yo syndrome forever. You can stop being a victim of your past and stop playing the Weighting Game right now.
Ghosts From the Past
What you were told by your parents when you were a small child may still be affecting your life in a negative way. Find the harmful ghosts and exorcise them today. Think back to your family's words or unspoken attitudes. Do the best you can to complete these sentences. If you can't remember what they said, imagine what their actions and body language were telling you.
- What did your parents tell you about being THIN?
Mother Said
Father Said - What did your parents tell you about THIN people?
Mother Said
Father Said - What did your parents tell you about being FAT?
Mother Said
Father Said - What did your parents tell you about FAT people?
Mother Said
Father Said - What did your parents tell you about what to eat?
Mother Said
Father Said - What did your parents tell you about how to eat?
Mother Said
Father Said - What did your parents tell you about how much to eat?
Mother Said
Father Said - What did your parents tell you about when to eat?
Mother Said
Father Said - What did your parents tell you about snacks?
Mother Said
Father Said - What did your parents tell you about holidays and celebrations?
Mother Said
Father Said - What did your parents tell you about being good looking or ugly?
Mother Said
Father Said - What did your parents tell you about being GOOD?
Mother Said
Father Said - What did your parents tell you about being BAD?
Mother Said
Father Said - What did your parents tell you about achieving success?
Mother Said
Father Said - What did your parents tell you about failure?
Mother Said
Father Said - What did your parents tell you about being angry?
Mother Said
Father Said - What did your parents tell you about liking your body?
Mother Said
Father Said - What did your parents tell you was a waste of time?
Mother Said
Father Said - What did your parents tell you about love?
Mother Said
Father Said - What did your parents do when they had problems?
Mother Said
Father Said
How do you act when the going gets rough? Do you cope or do you run to food, alcohol, drugs, sex, sleep, or other escapes? Do you imitate Mother or Father? Does it help? What would you rather do? - What did your parents predict for your future?
Mother said I wouldgrow up to
Father said I would grow up to
Are you still trying to please Mom and Dad? Carmen discovered that Mother said she would grow up to have a weight problem while Father predicted she would be terrific at anything she did. She was astounded at the realization that she had pleased them both by growing up to have a terrific weight problem, over 100 pounds to lose.
Exorcise the Ghosts
Read each sentence you completed. Ask yourself if it is True or False for you today. Put a line through each one that is False.
Example: Clean your plate. The children in Europe are starving.
Rewrite the statement the way you want to live it now.
Example: It's OK for me to leave food on my plate.
Use phrases like: I choose to, it's O.K., I can, and I give myself permission to. Add each new positive statement to your Self Affirmation sheet. Pick one of these new Self Affirmations each week and say it at least 10 times, once a day.
The Resistance Point
Emily complained that no matter how she tried, she never could get below 140 lbs. Lori had the same problem at 120 lbs. while Marilyn had never lost more than 25 lbs. on any diet even though she weighed more than 200 lbs. Each of these people had one thing in common, resistance. Resistance is different from a plateau. Plateaus are temporary pauses in losing weight while resistance points are permanent standstills. The person simply gives up and stops working toward her goal.
For some people the point of resistance is very clear. It is a number on a scale. For others it is a tapering off of interest or dropping out of a weight loss club or class at a half way point. Are you one of those people who almost reaches your goal only to start gaining before the final pounds disappear?
If you are following the Integral Behavior Modification program outlined in this book and are not keeping a food diary or counting your calories every day, you are resisting! Your reluctance to do all the necessary work is keeping you from enjoying total success. You see, all weight loss programs and diets work. You keep yourself from working them. That is resistance. I have explained already how our excuses are simply rationalizations we have grown used to and find socially acceptable. Being too busy to do what you need to achieve your goal is resistance. Putting out-of-town company first is the way you postpone your success. Procrastination is flagrant resistance. All the Saboteurs are willing accomplices to your resisting health and happiness.
What is the explanation for resistance? I have discovered that all the individuals I have worked with who will not allow themselves to release all their excess poundage once and for all are really afraid of the consequences of success. Going beyond that special number on the scale or that experience of real self-awareness is terrifically scary for many people.
Dorothy discovered that the reason she never slimmed below 140 was that her Mother weighed 140 lbs. and Dorothy was told most emphatically that she should never surpass Mother! Her old fear of Mother's wrath and displeasure kept her stuck.
Lupe learned that as a child growing up in a strict and dogmatic religion, she had been imbued with very definite ideas about good and bad. She knew for certain that sexy looking women were bad. Unconsciously she feared that if she were to weigh less than 120 lbs. she would begin to look too sexy and would thus be a bad woman. The fear of becoming promiscuous is much more common than is imagined.
Both of these women were compelled by their imagined fears to hold on to their weight. As we will see, these fears are imaginary, and the more they are kept buried, the more terrible they seem. Once the fears are exposed to the light of day, they may be seen for what they really are, and dealt with effectively in order to be removed.
Tanya, an intelligent older woman, confided that she was married for the second time to a very stable but terribly dull man. She believed that losing 25 pounds would turn her into a fun loving, spirited, feminine creature who would want to go out and have fun, flirt, and feel attractive. Her fear was that if she lost 25 pounds she would have to get a divorce. In other words, what she would settle for as a fat woman was not what she would want as a thin one. In addition, she was afraid that at her age she would be left alone. Maybe it would be better to stay fat and settle for security.
Another middle-aged student reported that her husband said he wouldn't be able to take his hands off her when she got thin. She was afraid he didn't mean it, and she didn't want to find out. To go beyond the point of resistance often means facing unpleasant truths or dealing with situations that you will rarely admit exist when you are fat. After all, many overweight people often consider themselves to be second-class, deserving less than others. These people will accept a relationship, or job that is not interesting or enjoyable and stay with it simply because they fear they are not good enough for another.
I want to emphasize that fear is at the base of resistance. The fear is not the truth, but it exerts great power over the victim anyway. Sister Theresa lost over 70 pounds and had 5 to go. She suffered from hypoglycemia and knew that sugar was something she could not tolerate. Even so, she kept playing games of helplessly overindulging and then berating herself harshly. Her ability to work with the aged gave her great satisfaction as she was extremely capable and a very loving and caring person. One day, as she was talking about her job and her worries, she revealed that she wanted to follow the example of Jesus as best she could. In her eyes, Jesus was a "Wounded Healer." She too had her own wound, hypoglycemia. I asked her what would happen if she allowed herself to heal. She realized that her fear was that if she had no wound, she would lose her sensitivity to other people's suffering and thus be unable to do her job well.
It is time to take a good look at your resistance patterns when it comes to losing and regaining weight. Can you undo the fears that have kept you fat? You must decide what is best for you and whether you deserve the best. Have you made a pact with your personal devil insuring you security in return for your soul?
Please take some quiet time to let yourself think about the following questions. Write down whatever comes to mind. You may discover that there is a Saboteur that doesn't want you to know about yourself. Don't let fear drive you away. It's just another form of resistance. Gather your courage and let yourself find out. There is nothing that you will uncover that you don't already know, but may not want to admit to yourself, so you have buried it far below the surface of your consciousness. What you unearth may prove to be a treasure.
Complete the following exercises, one at a time. Take at least 15 minutes for each one. You may want to come back to some questions more than once.
Family
How will my family life be affected if I am thin?
Am I content now?
Am I giving my family or some members the power to tell me who to be and what to do?
Will being thin displease some of them?
What do I deserve as a thin person?
How can I get it?
Read what you have written and record your discoveries. What did you learn about yourself? What action will you take now?
Relationships
How will my love relationships be affected if I am thin?
Am I content now?
Will I continue to be content?
Have I ever secretly thought, If only I were thin ...
What do I deserve as a thin person?
How can I get it?
Read what you have written and record your discoveries. What did you learn about yourself? What action will you take now?
Career
How will my career or work life be affected if I am thin?
Am I content now?
Have I ever wished I could be doing something else, but didn't think I was smart enough, looked good enough, or deserved it?
What do I deserve as a thin person?
How can I get it?
Read what you have written and record your discoveries. What did you learn about yourself? What action will you take now?
Sex
How will my sex life be affected if I am thin?
Am I content now? Am I afraid of becoming too attractive to the opposite sex?
Am I afraid of not becoming attractive enough to the opposite sex?
What do I deserve as a thin person?
How can I get it?
Read what you have written and record your discoveries. What did you learn about yourself? What action will you take now?
The Future
How will the rest of my life be affected if I am thin?
Am I content now?
What would make me very happy?
What do I deserve out of life as a thin person?
How can I get it?
Read what you have written and record your discoveries. What did you learn about yourself? What action will you take now?
What are you weighting for? Are you immobilized by a fear so old that you don't really remember it? Many people use fat as a protection against change. Fears of being thin fall into three categories that need to be explored: Health, Sex, and Current Problems. Usually one of these fears is keeping you stuck, and you don't want to admit it to yourself.
Health is a major consideration. Although our culture pushes us to be thin, many overweight people used to be skinny children who were forced to eat because their parents. Or doctors were afraid for their health. It was truly a matter of life or death to some. Today they equate weight loss with illness, weakness or death. Fear of cancer is often a factor. Gabrielle gained 20 pounds when her sister died of cancer. She has never been able to shed them. In the back of her mind is the belief that the extra weight is her protection. As long as she has some fat she is healthy, because one of the signs of cancer is weight loss.
Sex is an important issue, especially for women. On an unconscious level, some use fat as an excuse for keeping themselves from being promiscuous or from dealing with the advances of others, or so some women fantasize. Fat becomes a way of escaping from the competition or rat race of the sexes. Some of my clients who were molested as children use fat to protect themselves from appearing attractive. For others, fat is a way of rebelling against a society that insists that women be sex objects, valued only for their bodies rather than as a unique individual.
Current problems are often avoided because compulsive eaters are too busy trying to lose weight and not succeeding. They fear that achieving the weight goal means that they must deal with a scary area of their life. Most often this is a relationship problem, especially marriage or love relationship. Job problems also create anxiety and worry. They believe that being thin means they will have to be assertive, rock the boat, and cause the situation to change.
I hope that these observations will enlighten and encourage you to make new decisions about being thin. Only you can lift the curse of the past and give yourself permission to be in charge of your life.
